A Brief Explanation

First things first, thanks for your patience! This situation is generally frustrating for me (and, I would assume, for you too -- at least a little bit), and it's made worse by people getting upset at me.

So what's the situation?
Right now, I am unable to talk. My spoken words are not working. I might still be able to text or write; I might not. Usually even if I can't text or write, I can sign. However, not only are most hearing people unable to comprehend ASL, I'm not the best signer, so I still often struggle to get things across. This webpage is intended to be an explanation whether I can or can't write things down for you.

Answers to some common questions and sentiments, in list form:

• Why can't you talk?
The exact details vary, but typically it's because of some overwhelming/overstimulating event or experience. For example, unusually intense emotions (either positive or negative) often make it very difficult for me to speak. Really loud and/or chaotic environments (especially in an enclosed area), like a large crowd or a concert, are also a common cause for me.
• Can't you just power through and talk anyways?
Yes, I could. In fact, many people who lose their words do it. However, I've found that the typical end results of me "powering through" are that I speak very slowly and jerkily, I'm misunderstood, and people get very frustrated with me. To me, it isn't worth it to force myself to speak.
• How come you can write, but not talk?
To put it briefly: speaking and writing are controlled by different areas of the brain. It isn't that I fully don't have the words -- usually, I can form full coherent sentences -- it's that in the time between my thoughts and my voice, they get blocked. Sometimes, if I'm really overwhelmed by a negative emotion, I do fully lose words. This is pretty rare, though, especially now that I'm not a super stressed, mentally struggling high schooler anymore and have developed much better emotional regulation skills.
• Did I do something wrong for this to happen?
Absolutely not! Unless you purposefully worked to make me really upset or made loud noises just to screw me up, it's not anything "wrong" that you did. It's my own response to my own reactions, which you can't control; it would be incredibly unreasonable for me to expect the people around me to make sure they never do something that could cause me a negative emotion. (It would also be an extremely unhealthy thing to do to myself and everyone else. Just because someone's actions or words upset me doesn't mean that they're in the wrong, nor does it mean that I've got a "get out of jail free" card to excuse my behavior or let me skip out on an uncomfortable conversation.)
• I feel like you're shutting down to avoid whatever this situation is, and it's making me feel like you don't want to resolve it.
This one most often comes from people who either don't know me very well or have had negative experiences with others in the past. Like I said just above, this is not a you problem. If we're having an uncomfortable conversation or some kind of conflict, and I can't keep going at that moment, that doesn't mean I get to pretend it never happened. I may need to step away for a moment and take some time to reset, but I still have a responsibility to come back and keep working with you. As a note on this specific scenario, it's often beneficial to both parties to take a moment away and come back, even if they're both still speaking. This is because when emotions are really intense and ramping up, it can be very difficult to hold a productive conversation. I feel very strongly about being able to communicate well with other people, and misunderstandings happen much more easily in high-tension environments -- and are often much harder to resolve at that moment.
• I was with you at a similar event in the past, and you were fine there; what's different about this one?
Unfortunately, there's no "one size fits all" here. Many factors affect my spoken words, including any other stress I'm under, whether or not I've eaten enough that day, how familiar the environment is, and who else I'm with, to name a few.
• You just need to have more self-discipline. Why should I let you use this as an excuse?
You're welcome to have your own thoughts about this! Please understand, however, that I have a lot more experience with my mind and potential limitations than you do. I obviously can't make you behave how I would like. I can't stop you from getting upset or insisting that I can learn to overcome it. I'm giving you the information and explanation, and you can choose to accept it or not. It would be better for both of us, though, if you understand that if you decide it's unacceptable and insist that I talk to you, the results probably won't be satisfying or pleasing to either of us.

If I can type freely, the chat box below is an attempt to make communication easier for me! I can hear and understand you, so I'll either text you over whatever messaging app we use, or use that box.

If I can't type freely, I'll do my best to say SOMETHING over text. "0" and "1" are pretty simple "no"/"yes" answers, and usually I can at least manage that.

Again, thanks for your patience!